When Faith Feels Hopeless

Faith, such a strong word, sometimes we just throw that word out there to encourage someone, but are we really living by it or are we seeking to control it!? As I've seen our oldest child flounder in his faith I keep going back to the verse in Proverbs.... Train up your child in they way that they should go, when they are old they will not depart from it. Problem is I did this, I prayed for and bedside him and he's departed. I'm sure part of this his rebellion, part of this is discovering himself, and parts are anger. I keep relying on my faith that these words are true. I've really had to live the word faith, which looks a lot like stepping back, time in the prayer closet, and a lot of letting go and letting God step in. It's so difficult to do for me, however I have a faith in my savior that he will handle this and he knows the path that our son needs to take. It is with faith and deep love I let go and let God. 

Perfectly Imperfect

I've always strived to be a perfectionist, it's a struggle I have prayed about. I'm not perfect, I never will be, and the truth is this I don't want to be. I want to be me, I want to be perfectly imperfect. Yesterday I was talking with a friend who was feeling inadequate, she is of course not at all inadequate but to cheer her up I sent her these pictures of my kitchen

Isn't a lovely mess? Well I was embarrassed but I did it anyways. She needed to see my mess too. It did make her chuckle, which I was happy about. Here is the thing I saw after really looking at these pictures, paint brushes from painting and making projects with the kids, canning dishes in the sink from canning peaches with one of our daughters, and the K cups are just a real picture of the laziness my husband and I felt about walking 20 feet to the trash!

These pictures are reality, the pictures of memories! So honestly live your life perfectly imperfect. Enjoy the messes. I'm sure trying!

These pictures are a more accurate description of the mess and boy was it fun!

Mothers

My mother was 55 yesterday. When I was 20 she seemed so old, I'm getting older and it now feels so young. Losing my mother on Mothers Day profoundly affected me. It was one last cruel joke in all that was being thrown at my marriage, it just felt like a double edged sword. I had a complete mental and physical breakdown. I could not function for two weeks, it just broke my heart. I still shut myself off completely on Mother's Day. I can not allow my heart to open, maybe someday soon I will. I function on auto pilot for my own children who want to honor me, it's still a very raw day for me. I want my children to feel my love on that day, not my sadness but I know they feel my sadness. In an effort to honor my mother I ask people to restore their relationships with their mothers, hug them, call them, send a letter, send some flowers just tell your mother you love her. I know she would love it. 

Mothers are so imperfect, we expect them to be perfect no matter what, they of course should have all the answers all the time, and never make a mistake. This is unfair to all mothers. I was unfair to hold my own mother to this standard and it caused her heartache, it has brought me heartache. A simple I forgive you would have been all we both needed. We never got that, we ran out of time. 

I would just like to close with this.... Love your perfectly imperfect mother. She loved you, she probably hurt or even failed you, she did the best she was able to. Don't allow bitterness and unforgiveness to divide you. The separation and anger isn't worth holding on to. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. Enjoy the moments now.  

Love and a Heart Shaped Rock

A simple rock to us equals love like no other....her name is Noni and she is our heart shaped rock. She has picked us up from sadness, grief, and struggle and become our heart shaped rock. The story of the heart shaped rocks is hers alone to tell, it is story full of love and grief and sadness and more love, but the best stories usually are. Now my daughter 11 now looks for heart shaped anything in her day, she collects them, buys them when we are on vacation, makes them from the oddest things (toilet paper rolls, paper towels, cookies, glue), she's very creative. I have this great appreciation for these hearts she makes, because it reminds me of a woman, who in my deepest, darkest times of grief and sadness, came to us, loved us, hugged us, fed us, shared her life with us, and adopted us as hers. This is living like Jesus, she is who I hope to be one day. She is our Noni, she is loved, she is special, and she is our heart shaped rock.

January 20, 2000

Well son your four years old. This amazes me. You're such an old soul. You think everything through, you hate for me to leave your side, we stay up and read later than we should in bed, then we talk some more and sometimes I fall asleep next to you. You're getting ready to be a big brother to a sister or brother.  I can't wait to see how you go from my only baby to my oldest baby. I have no doubt you will do fine. Things are changing for our little family and I'm excited for us. We love to watch Free Willy and play games. You're favorite book is still And A Sunflower Grew and you still love cars and tractors. You dislike being dirty and you dislike messy things. You help me clean all the time. I'd say you're growing up and becoming independent in so many ways with a mommy who is in awe of seeing you become you. 

I love you so much son!

Love always,

Your momma

School Days

Some times home education is hard. I mean really it's hard. There are days that my only wish is to throw in the towel and send these children off for eight hours a day. I dream of sitting down, not cooking the 12th meal of the day, and maybe indulging in some Netflix alone, without interruption. However that dream is quickly silenced when I realize I'm doing the work I was called to do....raise my children. It's crazy, it's chaotic, it's stressful, but I wouldn't miss these days for anything. I love watching my children learn, I love being there when they have had too much, I love seeing their curiosity, I do love so much about having them home. 

Isaac is challenging to teach he is so busy and so full of energy. I tend to get frustrated and need more prayer. Today was beautiful, we were practing letter writing and he came and sat down by me and said "mom I hate writing but I love you" followed by a lovely hug. This is why I do it. These small moments, so brief in a day full of lots of to dos but so worth stopping for. 

Here's some pics of some of our days. 

June 9, 2004

Taylor you're 4 years old. You started preschool this year, still a little chatterbox, and we've become best friends. We do everything together, everything. It's so fun. Brandyn is at school and so it's just me and you. We're about to welcome another baby to our family an unnamed sister to our crew. I so look forward to seeing what you will think of being a big sister and all the things you will teach her. You love animals, the zoo, ballet class, reading books, and you are so independent. You amaze me with your quick wit. You are learning to ride a bike and are a pro on the scooter. You love to color me pictures and do puzzles. You're my joy, my daughter, my love. Thank you for showing my mothers and daughters can have a wonderful relationship. It's an honor to be your mother. 

Love you so much, 

Mommy

August 29, 2006

Sweet Savannah this year has brought us many challenges to overcome, you've struggled seizures, learning to walk, an autism diagnosis and so much more. We have been working through so many challenges and it seems you rise to every single one without fail. I see the hope and frustration in your eyes all at once. Sometimes I cry alone, I wonder what the world has for you, sometimes I feel down, then I see your sweet smile and somehow I know everything is going to be fine, your siblings love to help you and you love them so much, I can see in your eyes how you look up to them. When you fall asleep in my arms I know you can accomplish anything. Those quiet moments of your tiny body getting a rest makes me realize you're going to go far. We are luck to have you. I can't wait to see all the hurdles you accomplish this year!

Love you lots,

Momma

June 10, 2003

Taylor you are 3! Three years old and I can't imagine that three years have passed. You keep me busy, you're a creative little girl, you love to dance, you carry a nutcracker doll with you everywhere, you love to draw, you love monkeys, and you love to be in charge. You are headstrong, you are determined and though challenging, I know it will serve you well in your life. You know your ABCS and you are learning to count. I'm amazed by your smarts and excited to see what the next year brings. I look forward to our many years to grow and become mother and daughter. I dream we will be best friends as we are now forever.  My greatest prayer is that you will always know I love you. The giggles and love we share will always be my most treasured memories! I love being your mother. You stole a piece of my heart when you were born. I love you forever!

Love,

Momma

January 21 1999

You my son have changed so very much this year. We build card houses, we play tractors, you love to be read to. You're favorite book is A Sunflower Grew, you giggle with laughter when the book comes to "the tractor page". You are changing me daily, I attribute you to making me better. I so love our cuddles, the way you rub my hair and face to fall asleep, the smile you give me when you wake up.  These are my treasures in this walk of life. You my son are the retest joy. I wonder what you're year will bring this coming year. It's been a fun three years and it seems time is moving so fast. You aren't a baby anymore, yet you're no longer my baby, time moves far too fast for me. I hope you will always remember how you make me smile, I am proud to see you grow and learn. 

Love,

Your momma