August 25, 2005

Savannah,
Oh this year has been ever so challenging, we are moving this weekend, but I found my journals, so I am taking a break to write your birthday letter.  This year we have struggled with you on so many ways, the doctors are trying to figure out what is medically wrong with you, we have spent time in the NICU after you had your shots, which by the way you are not fond of, and we find ourselves at The Children's Clinic every week, sometimes more.  I am tired, you are tired and well, I am looking forward to the day that you no longer are on antibiotics for a period of more than three days.  It is so different watching you grow up, your brother and sister were so HEALTHY, yet here you are and you to me you seem so fragile.  I long and pray for answers to your health mysteries, I just want to see you happy and healthy.  You are walking, first one to walk before age one in the family, CONGRATULATIONS, you love your family, you seem to want to make everyone smile, at least on your good days.  We have spent much of your first year indoors at home, trying to get you healthy and back on track, so our favorite things are books, and you are taking up coloring, well you like to try and eat crayons.  I wish I had the answers your body is needing, I feel like a failure in this regard as a mother, but I have faith we will find answers that will make you blossom, we are off to UNM in a few months, and should know more than, but until we do KEEP FIGHTING! I love you so very much, thank you for keeping me strong, but exhausted, you mean the world to us!

Love,
Momma

A lizard

Well, Savannah found this lizard, and well it died the next day, we buried him today.  It was heart wrenching for her, and I as well, mainly because my daughter really wanted him to live.  I really wanted to let her keep it yes even the live cricket part, that FREAKED ME OUT, to no end.  We made him a really cool home in case he lived too, but he is now in lizard heaven, so here he is our little friend who we had thought might make it, but did not!

And one more

He was a sweet, little thing and the kids all loved his all too brief time with us!

Instagram

I have this app forever, but I finally got to play with it and I love it, a lot!  So in honor of my BFF leaving we pulled it out and here is some of us and some silly ones too........Sorry for being a goof ball!

Goofy footsies

More goofy feet

Smarty Pants

Another country, yet still there! Always!

Tot and her butterfly

She is so amazing beautiful, I still can not believe I helped create her 

Lunch with mom and gramma, he is so awesome!

The lizard we saved, his blue tail is awesome!

June 5, 2001

Hello Tot, another year has passed and you are doing beautiful......You are not walking yet you are the chubbiest baby I have ever seen in my life, and yes I have learned to do hair, mostly I put in a pig tail on the top of your head and poof you look just like Pebbles.  You love life all around you and are enthralled with flowers, outside is your place to be, and talking walks in the stroller is also a favorite, I find this odd as for the first four months of life if and when I put you in a car seat you screamed like we were beating you, which of course you did not.  Your favorite toys are your big brother, he really can make you giggle hysterically and it is the cutest thing, I almost would say you have this special babble talk just for him.  Watching you grow this year has gone by so fast and of course I have to say has been great, I am so thankful for you my little girl, I have so much fun dressing you up and yes at age one you have twenty pairs of shoes, lets hope this does not continue and hair bows every where, being a mom to a little girl is the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life, you are my sweet girl and I can't wait to be BFFS!!!!

Love,
Mommy

What I Will Miss

I will miss you

I will miss you waking next to me in the morning

I will miss you holding me in bed when the power goes out

I will miss our bedtime routines with the kiddos

I will miss cooking for you

I will miss the way you held my hand

I will miss the way you made me feel safe

I will miss waking up to you

I will miss making your coffee

I will miss your smile and your goofy jokes

I will miss talking to you

I will miss our holidays together

I will miss you telling me every Christmas Eve at 2am, that Santa did a great job 

I will miss you fixing things

I will miss our walks

I will miss the way you brush the hair out of my face when it is windy

I will miss you 

With all the things that I will miss, there are a few I wont miss!  I will finally be free of lying, pain, false apologies, my anger, my frustration, the feelings of unworthiness you left me with, the tears and the sorrow, the terror, the anxiety and the panic!  I am finally working on me, I hope and pray you will do the same.  You are and forever will be with me, as seventeen years don't just get shut off.  I love you enough to let you go, I hope that you can learn this lesson too, but that is not my choice.  Happy Anniversary!  I wish you well and together or apart I love you because I can and choose to forgive!

January 14, 1997

We have a boy, one who is almost walking, well if mommy holds your hand you do it, pretty sure that will change in just a few weeks, when you realize that there is a whole world waiting for you to explore.  Well it has been a year and I think I am more in love with you today than I was on your last birthday, maybe that is because we both are sleeping, yes through the night, well only because I gave in and you sleep with me. This year has been amazing, you went from this tiny little guy who did nothing to this boy who crawls, babbles, loves the park, we like to swing on the swing, once in a while, you go on your tummy alone but not often, you are pretty cautious, which I think I love about you, you like cars, and you sit with me when I do my homework, which can be hard at times, you do not love Mickey Mouse, which really bothers me, but you do like Winnie the Pooh and oh yeah firetrucks and tractors.  Grandpa Barry gave you a fire truck for your birthday this year and heaven help me the thing is about as big as you but you push it every where and so far it goes everywhere with us.  That is fine though as one day you probably wont want it. Well you are one, learning and growing every day, I am proud to be your mom, and you have stolen my heart.  Happy Birthday Baby, you are one special boy!

Love,

Mommy

Eight is GREAT

Happy Birthday Sweet Savannah! Eight whole years have come and gone and boy do you know how to keep me on my toes, this was a bitter sweet birthday for you, I know but many more birthdays to come so lets keep focused on the positive here!

8 REASONS I LOVE YOU TO PIECES

1. Your creative, in everything, and I love having a daughter who appreciates crafting with her old mom

2.  Your sensitive side

3.  The way you care about everyone around you, without fail you care so much, and you always think of others first, even buying ice cream for your brothers and sister, before buying yours!

4. Your smile is contagious

5.  The way you always remind me to do the right thing

6. Your loudness, oh all right this can get annoying 

7.  The way you can remember everything

8.  Your uniqueness

So Happy Birthday to you sweet girl, you have taught me so much, given me so much faith, and make me proud to be your mother!! I love you!

September 3, 2004

Well we are home finally, you our sweet and tiny little girl, wow what a rough three weeks we have been through, almost losing you, not being able to hold you for the first five days of your life, I am glad that finally you are home safe and sound in my arms where you belong and off all these lifesaving cords, IVS, and the rest of it.  I am grateful that you are a fighter, strong, brave, and have a will to live, and be here on this earth, as my daughter.  You were born so fast and quick, and your grandpa and grandmas where there to be a part of the entire thing, it was a very special day for us all.  You all ready have brought so much to me, you have renewed my faith, shown me how to fight for you, and given me courage to face the unknown. I never knew I had it in me to watch my little angel fight for her life, the very first time I held you, it was 3:10 in the morning, I walked down to the NICU as I had been doing for so many days, there you were hooked up to every machine possible and so tiny, I would reach in with a glove and touch you and try to comfort you when the nurses changed your IVS, but this morning we had a new nurse she let you out of the cage, that is what I called it and squared your oxygen away and I held you for just about a minute and then your levels dropped, and she had to put you back, I stood over that cage and prayed with all my heart for you to heal, so I could just enjoy you and your life, well five days later they let you come home.  And here we are, you have an amazing older brother, who hoped you were going to be a boy, but he all ready is in love with you, and a sister who now has to share her room with you, well guess what she has not asked us to return you yet so I am hoping that you and her will have an awesome sister relationship, and currently our world revolves around keeping you healthy so we will not ever go back to the NICU.  You have joined us, and we are all in complete love with you Savannah!

Happy Birthday
Mommy

June 10, 2000

Dearest Daughter,

Wow, a daughter!!! I am the mother to a daughter, I do not know where to begin! Too be honest Taylor Rose, we will call you Rose after your great great grand mother, my greatest fear in life was having a daughter, see you have this older brother and well I play trucks and race cars great, build awesome card houses and I love to be outside, so the fear part........I do not know how to braid hair, dance, play dress up, do make up, or anything that little girls like, I never had a mother around to teach me.  I want to be perfect for you, do it right, be sure you feel my love always, I want to be your best friend, hold your hand, do your hair perfectly, and dress you in the cutest little dresses (all right I all ready have that part down), today I bought you a pair of satin ballerina shoes, size one and still too big, but you are growing so fast that in a week or so I think that they will fit, for the record, you are wearing them now, too big and all but they are so cute!  You hate your car seat so I have to sit in the back of the car while daddy drives so you do not cry, I am not sure if you have inherited your mommy's temper, but it appears so.  You are my daughter, I remember sitting in the hospital just a few days ago staring into your eyes, which are gorgeous and blue, like mine, I hope they always stay blue for the record, and saying a little prayer for you, so here is what I can remember praying for you, unconditional love from me always, love forever, trust, friendship, and a relationship with you that will never fail.  You are my love, my first born daughter, this week has shown me what I needed in life a daughter, I was missing out on the greatest gift of all, a little sweet angel, her name is Taylor Rose, and she is my daughter.  I love you Rose, yesterday, today, and for all the tomorrows we will have!

Happy Birthday
Mommy

January 21, 1996

Dearest Brandyn,

Wow, an entire week has past sine the day you were born, it seems too be going by so slow, yet so fast, it could just be my sleep deprivation though.  Today was your due date, twice I was told you were going to be a girl, I just always knew I was having a boy though and sure enough I got a Brandyn not a Britney.  Your birth was an amazing thing, you gave me something I have been dreaming of since I was seven or eight and sticking baby dolls in my nightgown with my cousins pretending we were all going to be mothers, I will show you pictures some day, the title mother.  What does that mean for me, for you, will I be enough, will I fail you, can I make you proud, will you love me, will be enough for each other, all these questions run through my mind as I sit and watch you sleep, you are so fragile, and yet so tough, yes I can see it in your eyes all ready.  I am so proud of you and all you do is eat, sleep, and throw up on me.  I gave you your first bath today, and I was terrified I was going to drop you or you would fall out of my arms, well you survived and so did I.  I look forward to playing with you, walking with you at times that are not between 2 and 4 am.  I am grateful I get to take so much time off from work to be with you, you are the single most important thing in my life, I look at you and wonder how this happened that I could have a son, a beautiful son.  You are inspiring me to do more and be more, I love you and am so proud that I am your mom, no one else will ever have that job.  I can not wait to grow with you, to learn with you, see what you like to do, what you will be, what you will like, what you will not like.  Just know that you are sitting right here beside me in your bassinet and I feel like I won the lottery!!!!  I love you son!

Happy Birthday,

Your Mother

The Time Has Come

Every year since I have had a child on their birthday I have written a letter to each one of children, on that day (well sometimes a day or two later), I feel so strongly that I need to get these down on my computer just in case, so that they can and will be handy for my children in case they want to read them someday! So the next few posts are not for you but for my children, but you can read them too, as mothers I am sure you will share the same feelings at times!

Something New For Me

So the entrepreneur in me has struck again, I am now a Thirty One Consultant!  Well I have been for a few months but life is crazy and well, I have not had time to share the exciting news.  Here is my website and you can order directly there or of course contact me, have a girls night, and earn some awesome gifts!

Be sure to visit me soon, and pass the word please!

www.mythirtyone/heathero